I got triggered again last week. My husband said something that was poorly worded, I took it personally, lashed out at him, triggered him, he got defensive, which triggered me even further, and before we knew it we were both angry and hurt.
This used to be a daily occurrence, consistently triggering each other by our reactions, continuing into a downward spiral until we were yelling, crying, or not speaking. It happens far less now, but it still happens sometimes. And what we've learned over the past few years is that when we start to trigger each other, when we start to react out of hurt and anger and insecurity, it probably means our quality time is lacking. When we look back on the past month, the evidence speaks for itself.
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Dear Warrior Mom,
I see you. I see you, trying to make your marriage work, trying to keep a peaceful home, trying to keep hope in your heart for better days. Sometimes you wonder if that's just a delusion, sometimes you wonder if you can bear another minute of this brokenness.
You were taught that the perfect marriage, the perfect home, is achievable. And so you strive for perfection, sacrificing yourself, your body, your mind, your soul. You do your best to keep a tidy home, raise honorable children, support your husband in his struggles. All the while, you feel like you are dying inside.
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The short answer is yes, yes absolutely marriage counseling can work. Notice I said can. It doesn't always work, and there are a few things you may want to consider before jumping in head first.
First of all, for marriage counseling to be effective, both partners need to be on board. If only one is invested in it, it will most likely be one sided, and will lead to resentment, which can further damage the relationship rather than healing it.
That's not to say counseling can't help your marriage though, even if your partner isn't interested in going.
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Three years ago, my life was a freaking mess. My stress level was through the roof, I was yelling at my kid all the time, and my marriage was far more broken than I even realized at the time. I had started attending seminars that were billed as business teachings, but really were so much more, and had learned quite a bit about why I was struggling in life. One of the things I learned was that a husband is supposed to be the leader of the house. Maybe this is something that makes you say duh. Or maybe you believe this is an antiquated notion that has no place in this day and age. Either way, what I'm sharing in this post can still be relevant to you, pinky promise.
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Now, I'm not talking about rollercoasters and haunted houses, though I am always up for those kind of thrills! But what I'm talking about goes much deeper. I'm talking about stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing the things you feel called to do, but also feel really really scary.
For me, that's being vulnerable. It's showing up in a place that opens me up to judgement. It's showing my human-ness, showing my pain. Because for me, feeling pain meant being weak. Obviously that's not actually true. It's just part of the human experience. But I had held that believe for as long as I can remember.
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