Triggered. It's a word we use often in our house these days. But it wasn't always that way. It used to be that when my heart started racing, and I'd feel the panic set in, and the ground felt like it was about to crumble under my feet, that I'd turn to extreme anger, start crying hysterically, maybe hyperventilate, and sometimes even put a hole in a wall or throw things.
It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something that no longer holds shame for me. For years, I had no idea what was happening. I thought I was just angry, and that this was just a meltdown because I was broken. Now I know that these were severe panic attacks that manifested as this blind rage, brought on by past trauma that was never dealt with properly.
Once I learned what was actually going on...
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Have you ever felt hopeless about your anxiety? Been frustrated because for whatever reason you can't go see a therapist? Maybe it's your husband who doesn't believe in therapy, or your culture, or maybe insurance won't cover it, or you don't have insurance? Have you ever wondered if you'll ever be able to "get better" and "live a normal life"? I see you, friend!
Not so long ago, my life looked a lot like that too. Not going to a therapist was my own doing, because of the shame I felt (let's please end the stigma that therapy means you are failing!) and because I didn't want to dig into my pain because I felt like if I did, it would be too much and would drown me. I felt hopeless and frustrated, and wondered what the point of life was, if I was always going to be so miserable.
Then, almost miraculously...
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A couple months ago I participated in a 90 day challenge put on by my business mentor, in her free group Heart-Centered + Successful with Martha Krejci. During one day of the challenge she asked us to share one way we've impacted the life of another person with the way we are serving others daily. Since I am still pretty new in the serving arena, and because I'm still working on my self-worth, this threw me for a loop at first. I'd never had a coaching call with a client before, never written a book, created a course, and my free group was still teeny tiny at the time.
But then I remembered something my therapist had shared with me a few years ago. I started seeing a therapist when I was battling severe anxiety for the first time, or at least the first time I was really trying to work through it and heal from my past. I had a very different blog at the time (nothing mental health related), but had written a post about World Suicide Prevention Day. I shared that blog post with my therapist and gave her permission to use it in any way she thought could help others. She in turn shared it with some struggling teens that she worked with. A few weeks later...
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I'm just going to call out the elephant right now and tell you that this blog may piss you off. It may offend you, it may trigger you, it may even make you hate me. But it's my truth, and that's really all that matters here right now. And maybe, just maybe, it can help someone else who is feeling the same one, someone who is struggling, someone who feels guilt and shame, someone who feels hated. Because I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way, and I know I won't be the last either.
This weekend we did our gender reveal. We had the OB email our friend who was making us our cake. We gathered family on Zoom. We even went live on Facebook. We knew there was a 50/50 chance. And we also knew that the most important thing is that our genetics tests had come back at a very low risk for any genetic disorders. But if I'm being honest, we both were hoping for a girl. And so was most of our family. We already have a son. And there are no granddaughters on either side of the family. And I had the perfect girl name picked out already.
If you asked me four years ago about mindset, I really wouldn't have had a clue. I've learned a lot in the past four years, about myself, about the world, about healing. And one of the most important areas that keeps coming up, and interweaving all of these other things together, is mindset. But what is mindset, and really, why does it matter so much? And maybe most importantly, what can you do to improve your mindset?
Simply put, mindset is your beliefs about yourself and your personal qualities and abilities. It is also your beliefs about whether you can grow and change those qualities and abilities, or if you are "stuck with what you've got". Truthfully, whichever camp you fall into, growth mindset or not, it's true. Because if you believe you are stuck with what you've got, why would you put any effort into improving? But I am living proof, and have seen hundreds of others as proof too, that if you believe you can change and grow, you will. Even if you are somewhat skeptical, but have a deep desire for growth, great things can happen. But how?
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