Stop the Power Struggle Without Yelling

Stop the Power Struggle Without Yelling
I could tell by the look on his face, he was getting ready to dig his heels in. And I could tell by the feeling in my chest, I was too. We were about to be locked in yet another battle where no one could win. We both thought we were right, our ego needed us to be right. But instead we were both going to lose. Not the argument, one of us would win that. But we'd both lose another small piece of that connection we have by engaging in another battle of the wills.

I knew from a very young age that my 8 year old has the same strong will that I was gifted with. It is a gift, but at times, especially when parenting a strong willed child, it can seem like a curse instead, for both of you. Sometimes it's just about the ego, but more often it is a cry for help and attention. You see, we've been through several big life changes over the past two years. First dad stopped working when the pandemic shut everything down. He stayed home with our son to do virtual school for months. Then we moved from Florida to Georgia last July, had a baby in August, and started homeschooling in September.

Sometimes when kids are acting particularly nasty and defiant, it's a reflection of the turmoil that is happening internally. It's really no wonder he's struggling with everything that's gone on. And the cherry on top is that he had to leave his amazing therapist in Florida and we've struggled to find a decent one since moving to Georgia. We are still looking, but in the meantime there are things we can do at home to help ease the battles.
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How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids, Even When You're Stressed!

How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids, Even When You're Stressed!
There we were again, engaged in another yelling match. It would surely lead to hurt feelings, mom shame, and possibly tears. But I just couldn't help myself, and neither could my 8 year old. As two very headstrong individuals, these battles have been raging since he was old enough to realize he had an ounce of power to say no. It used to be worse, much worse, because toddlers, and also because I was far less healed back then. But it still happens far more often than I'd like to admit.

Before I became a mother I had these grand plans that I'd be a gentle,  hippy dippy type mother. I had no desire to co-sleep (joke's on me there!) but I didn't want to spank, or be super strict, or be a yeller, and I didn't want to be the reason my children needed therapy. I thought I'd be nurturing and talk about feelings, and all that warm fuzzy stuff. And we do sometimes. My parents were FAR from abusive. They were honestly pretty great parents most of the time, and their shortcomings were simply because they were doing the best they could with what knowledge and emotional intelligence that they had at the time. But I do remember one time being genuinely scared, because I'd just pushed too far and they were only human. I didn't ever want to cause my children to feel that fear. And then I became a mom...

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When motherhood is triggering...

When motherhood is triggering...
When we talk about the transformation of becoming a mother, we acknowledge that it's a tiredness like no other, but mostly we hear how it is a beautiful, indescribable, wonderful transformation that you couldn't even imagine. And while that may be true, that wasn't my experience.

The truth is, becoming a mother was very difficult on my mental health. Motherhood made me feel very helpless, and after awhile that made me feel hopeless. I felt helpless when it came to nourishing my baby, getting him to sleep, controlling my emotions. And as he started to grow, so did my negative feelings. I felt helpless when he would get in trouble at school, when he wouldn't listen at home, when he randomly decided he no longer wanted to eat fruits or veggies, ever again.

See, I had built my coping mechanism for anxiety on control. So when my son became a very headstrong toddler, and wouldn't listen to mommy (like toddlers often do), it severely triggered my anxiety. And when my anxiety would get triggered, it manifested as anger, rage, and violence. I knew becoming a mom was making my anxiety worse. And then one day, I got my wake up call....
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I Made A Big Mistake...

I Made A Big Mistake...
The baby started spitting up, then slung his head in the other direction, also slinging spit up all over his shirt. Then he spit up again, the slung his head back the other way again, adding more spit up to the mess. As it dripped down my leg and I said, "Oh great," I heard a giggle behind me. No, not a giggle. A taunting laugh. A "Haha, that's what you get." My blood started to boil. I got up to change the baby, and myself, and as I walked past my still smirking 8-year-old, I raised my leg to tap his hip and get his attention, signaling that what he was doing was not appreciated. I was going to give him the stank eye.

Instead, I missed his hip and kicked him right in the gut. Immediately he grabbed his belly and said ow, and I knew I'd messed up. I apologized but was still really angry. I told him the laughing was disrespectful and not appreciated. He told me he was laughing at the creature he was fighting in Prodigy, his math game, not me. I felt sick. How could I have jumped to the wrong conclusion so quickly? How could I think the worst of this sweet (and yes, mischievous) boy. My anxiety was still peaked though, and honestly I didn't know if I believed him. I didn't want to believe, because that would mean that I was wrong, and that I'd REALLY messed up.

As I took the baby to the room to change him, I started to spiral...

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4 Unexpected Ways to Improve Anxiety - Part 1

4 Unexpected Ways to Improve Anxiety - Part 1
Have you ever felt hopeless about your anxiety? Been frustrated because for whatever reason you can't go see a therapist? Maybe it's your husband who doesn't believe in therapy, or your culture, or maybe insurance won't cover it, or you don't have insurance? Have you ever wondered if you'll ever be able to "get better" and "live a normal life"? I see you, friend!

Not so long ago, my life looked a lot like that too. Not going to a therapist was my own doing, because of the shame I felt (let's please end the stigma that therapy means you are failing!) and because I didn't want to dig into my pain because I felt like if I did, it would be too much and would drown me. I felt hopeless and frustrated, and wondered what the point of life was, if I was always going to be so miserable.

Then, almost miraculously...
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